I’m Already Behind

8 09 2010

And it’s only the first day.

Well, I guess I’m just behind on work, but this will put me back on school. Ugh. Why do I put things off?

I’m starting an MA and I’m supposed to feel confident and smart for the next couple days until I get cranky, overworked and disillusioned. Why do I already feel stupid, lazy and bitter already? I feel cheated out of my brief time of sunny optimism!

Oh. Hello exclamation point. So we meet again. I saw you in some of PCW’s writing today and almost choked on my coffee. You had no business being there. But I refuse to email PWC about it because I’ll seem petty. So I’m just going to stare you down until–BELETED.

Thaaaaaaat’s better.

Oh, you people are still here? Didn’t you here me say I’ve got a little over the deep end? I see. Well, I have, so I’m going to stop writing now. Yep.

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Today is a New Day

4 09 2010

Hopefully.

I hardly made it through yesterday, I was so frustrated and lonely. But anyway:

Tuesday is the start of new semester, my first as a graduate student. So I’m going to make some resolutions.

  1. Blogging. I am going to try to post on here something every other day at least, and try to blog not just about stuff, but also about what I’m reading for classes and that sort of thing. I am going to try to have 50% randomness and 50% genuine reflection on Things Academic.
  2. Work. No more procrastinating and moping! I will get things done and I will not let PCW’s absence bother me.
  3. School. I will read everything and I will be prepared to discuss it in class. I will not procrastinate. I will start assignments ahead and I will pass them in on time.
  4. Clothing. I will start making it! I will incorporate men’s and historical fashion into my designs to make a unique and expressive collection of clothes. I will bone a bodice for a halloween costume if it kills me.
  5. Weight. I will lose some. I will go to the pool three times a week, and try to avoid buying Peek Freans. And making copious about of baked goods.
  6. Hair. It’s going to be long again!
  7. Reading. I am going to force myself to learn to read quickly and efficiently, so that I stop wasting time reading every detail or forgetting what I’ve skimmed. I will take concise notes in a notebook or program specially selected for the purpose (maybe something moleskin).

So, I guess I better get back to work, if I’m not going to default on #2 a few seconds after writing it.

This is going to work. I need to make myself so busy that I don’t have time to think about Other Things. Discipline will be had!





And then there was one.

3 09 2010

I know it’s September. I’m sorry. I’m weak. And undisciplined. Which will have to be remedied in the coming weeks because I’m starting a Masters program with lots of reading and I need to apply to some federal grants, apply to a conference and orchestrate a panel for a second. Really, the past two months have been crapshoots. I have been working on something I don’t enjoy, and PCW was getting ready to leave, which made me incredibly distracted and temperamental.

I do not like change.

But change happens and history really is not the study of the past; it is the study of time and change and so I need to suck it up.

So, PCW is gone, getting ready to ship out to Grey Port this weekend to pursue a degree which ze will have to qualify with a Masters in History in the end anyway because any idiot can learn to answer the phone and file boxes. And I know PCW doesn’t want to be that idiot.

Can you tell I’m bitter about this departure?

So now it’s just me and my super. Today it feels like the weekend, it’s so quiet. There are no researchers, the archivists are keeping to themselves and such… well, occasionally they come over and say that I look sad or lost and state that I must miss PCW. Of course I do! Ze sat next to me for four months, and we shared all our trials, tribulations and jokes… I drove hir home, ze made me bread. We had coffee everyday at 10am, everyday. With Peek Freans. This led me to sarcastically comment that maybe we needed to hire someone to sit around with a t-shirt inscribed with “PCW” to keep me company. And everyone just nodded sympathetically. PCW would have goaded me about it to high levels of hilarity. I do not care for hir absence at all. There has, indeed, been a distinct lack of laughter and other disturbances in the archive. And this, despite the general desire for a silent reading room, is a sad thing.

I also moved into a new apartment and my bed is not as comfortable as I’m used to, so I haven’t been sleeping well. Otherwise things are good. I need new glasses, new pants and a haircut, more hours in the day, more energy, more enthusiasm, more dedication and more stimulation.

And even though a part of me is glad PWC is gone, Ioh so selfishly want hir to come back and help me get through the next four months.

Alas,

Aaaaaaaand, of course, Archivist #1 walked by as I was posting this. Ze paused when I looked up and says: “Still lonely?”

Yep. Still Lonely.